Kisame chan, the Big Blue Wonder
by Lireach
Summary: This is a story of love, pain, heartache, friendship, tears, laughter, joy, and sadness. This is also a story about humans and their delicate relationships with one another. This is the story of... Kisame-chan, the Big Blue Wonder. Rated T for crack.


**Title: Kisame-chan, the Big Blue Wonder**

**Summary: This is a story of love, pain, heartache, friendship, tears, laughter, joy, and sadness. This is also a story about humans and their delicate relationships with one another. This is the story of... **_**Kisame-chan, the Big Blue Wonder.**_

**Warnings: Uh... Gods. A lot. Just, a lot of wrongness all around. A lot of crack. And OoCness. Some SasoDei sprinkled in... Oh, and Hidan.**

**A/N: Yeah, Songbird should be updated first, but this is worth it. This is my protest against the usage of -chan on every single fucking Naruto character. It started as a rant to my friend, us bouncing some ideas back and forth, and then this evolved. This has been edited, and many ideas have been contributed to this by the one and only, CatchThatPrat. She is also on fanfiction. This is completely non-canon, if you can't tell.**

**Edited 12/21/10 A/N: Haha, yeah, still haven't dealt with **_**Songbird**_**, but... that's not the point here. This has been edited due to my boredom and irritation at some rather obvious mistakes I made.**

This is a story of love, pain, heartache, friendship, tears, laughter, joy, and sadness. This is also a story about humans and their delicate relationships with one another. This is the story of... _Kisame-chan, the Big Blue Wonder._

Kisame-chan, the Big Blue Wonder (or Kisame-chan for short, and Kisa-chan for short short) skipped happily through the rainbow-lit meadow. He picked up a few of the puppies, kittens, and rabbits that followed him, and hugged them. (Gently of course, one wouldn't want to hurt the cute darlings.)

"Oh, they are totally adorable!" Kisame-chan squealed. "Don't you agree Itachi-chan?"

The aforementioned Itachi-chan was holding hands with Kisame-chan as they skipped merrily. "Of course, Kisame-chan."

"We should sit down so we can play with all the small, furry animals!"

And so, the duo sat, making sure their pretty blue and pink dresses with flowers embroidered on would not get damaged. "This is so much fun."

"I know, Itachi-chan!" Kisame-chan squealed again. He then proceeded to begin picking some of the wildflowers that were growing in the sunny field.

"What are you doing, Kisa-chan?"

Kisame-chan gave his most blindingly happy- yet sharp and pointy- smile."I'm making a flower crown for you Chi-chan, can't you tell?"

"Now I can. I'm going to make one for you, and for the animals, too."

A puppy licked Itachi's cheek in appreciation.

Once Kisame-chan finished making daisy-chain crowns for the deer that came by, they began to plait Itachi-chan's hair. Itachi-chan giggled, and began to offer to do the same for Kisame-chan before realizing Kisame-chan's hair was too short to plait. A butterfly landed on Kisame-chan's nose though, distracting both of them from their almost tear-fest.

"It's so pretty!"

"Where are Sasori-chan and Deidara-chan? They should see this as well!"

"We're right here, Kisame-chan, un! Sasori-danna and I are a bit late because we were giving each other mani-pedi's, un! That nasty purple nail polish was too dark, un."

Kisame-chan and Itachi-chan squealed in unison. "What color did you paint them then?"

Sasori-chan smiled (as much as a wooden body can really smile). "My fingernails are now a nice glittery pink, and my toenails are now a shiny gold. Deidara-chan has a sky blue on his nails with a white flower pattern, and a dark blue polish for his toes."

"Can I see? Oh, Sasori, you're one of the best at giving mani-pedi's. I'm so jealous, Deidara-chan... I only got one from him, and that was way back when we were still in the Akatsuki."

"I'll get Sasori-danna to do your nails if you make me a flower crown."

"Deal!" Kisame-chan proclaimed before quickly making a blue daisy-chain crown. "To match your stunning eyes, and your dress, Deidara-chan!"

"Oh, Kisame-chan, thank you, un! Oh, that reminds me... Guess what?"

"What?"

"I got a brand new scope!"

Cue loud and girly squealing. "Really? Let us see!"

Deidara lifted up his golden bang. "See?"

"Oh, it's so cute," Itachi cooed at the now pink and white scope.

"I know, un! Sasori-danna made it for me... As a sign of our..." At this, Deidara-chan turned bright red, and looked away from his three friends.

"No way! Sasori-chan, you finally asked Deidara-chan out?"

At this, the red head turned away. "Yes. I did."

"Oh, this calls for a celebration! Why, we should make-"

"Kisame-chan, you do remember Hidan and Kakuzu are coming today, to speak with us about the Akatsuki, right? That's why we chose this meadow, the _Friendship, Tea Garden, and Rainbow Meadow_, instead of the normal _Pretty_ _and Glittery Meadow_ or _Sunnyshine Fields_. We'll sadly have to wait until tomorrow... We can go to _Fairy Garden Field_ tomorrow, though."

"Oh, it'll be quite pleasant to see them again," Sasori added as he began to braid Deidara's hair.

"Sasori-chan! I just realized you need a flower crown as well!" Kisame said as he began to pluck some white and pink flowers. "I'm so sorry... can you ever forgive me?"

"Of course I can!" Sasori-chan reassured Kisame by patting the Big Blue Wonder's blue shoulder.

Itachi-chan gasped as she- I mean, he (sorry, it's the hair) spotted a dragonfly. "Look, a blue dragonfly! I haven't seen any dragonflies before in this meadow..."

"That's strange," Kisame said as he looked to the forest. "The forest just got really quiet, and all the puppies and kittens and rabbits and deer look frightened."

"And look! The rainbow is fading a bit! That's never happened before! What's happening?"

In a very cliché manner, Hidan and Kakuzu swept into _Friendship, Tea Garden, and Rainbow Meadow_. Hidan was drenched in fresh blood, and Kakuzu was warily watching his surroundings as he attempted to keep the small animals from swarming him.

"What the bloody fucking fuck is up with this fucking place?" Hidan cursed.

Kisame, Itachi, Sasori, and Deidara all gasped. Itachi looked as if he were about to faint from the language fouling the air, and all the blood covering Hidan.

"Itachi-chan! Are you all right? Here, Sasori-chan, take out your smelling salts..."

Hidan raised an eyebrow. "What the fuck is up with you fucking shithead pansies? I thought all of you were almost worth somewhat respecting, but Jashin, this is so disturbing. Why the fucking hell are all of you fucking around? And seriously, what the flying fuck is with this fucking place? I've never fucking seen a goddamn deer run up to me and let itself be fucking killed, and oh Jashin, don't you dare get me started on this… this… _meadow_!" Hidan spit out the word meadow like a curse word. "I swear Jashin, if you forgive me, I will fucking sacrifice like... fifty virgins, and seventy nonvirgins. I'll add a hundred more each if you fucking get me out of here fucking sane-"

"Leader wants you all back," Kakuzu said, completely ignoring Hidan's rant. "Why are all of you out here? You're wasting time, and time is money."

Sasori was looking horrified by Hidan's admission of killing at least one animal; Itachi had fainted by this point; Deidara was crying over the deer; while Kisame was looking awfully white for a big blue wonder.

"And why the fucking hell are you all fucking wearing fucking flowery fucking dresses with flowery fucking heels, and fucking crowns made of flowers? And where the fuck did you fucking get that ugly-ass scope Deidara? I knew you were a fag, and I really don't mind cause that'd be calling the fucking kettle black or the bisexual guy calling the homosexual guy a guy-lover, but fuck, that's fucking overboard-"

"Shut up Hidan, before I make you shut up." Kakuzu eyed the others. "I would say they're under genjutsu, except Itachi's sharingan would have broken out of it by now... perhaps drugs? No, for all that Sasori's fucking annoying, he's a poison's master... This brainwashing method seems quite quick and effective, because Sasori and Deidara have only been here for a day or two. Perhaps when we return to headquarters, we could employ this technique."

Kisame-chan bravely spoke up. "Um... please sit over here, at the table? Deidara-chan, get the lavender teacups and some cherry blossom tea, would you? Itachi-chan, the lilac tablecloth and the matching doilies?"

"The ones that have moonstone white blossom trim on them, or the ones with azure wave patterns?"

"The moonstone white blossom trimmed ones, if you please. Sasori-chan, could you grab the scones and the pastries?"

"Of course, Kisame-chan."

Hidan stared at them like they had grown a ninth arm and a fourth head (three through eight arms were surprisingly common with all these freakish mutations and bloodline limits in the shinobi world, and same went with two and three heads), and Kakuzu looked at them calculatingly.

"Please Hidan, Kakuzu, sit down," Kisame gestured gracefully at the beautiful chairs by a small table. "Make yourselves comfortable. Now, you can call me Kisame-chan or Kisa-chan, I don't care-"

Hidan opened his mouth, likely to swear and rant at the ungodliness of this whole situation, but Kakuzu silenced him by kicking him under the table.

"Itachi-chan, will you be joining us for the tea and scones?"

Itachi set up the tablecloth and doilies before smiling happily at Kisame. "Of course I will."

Hidan paled, and he _knew_ something was very, very wrong.

"Kakuzu!" he hissed, attempting to catch the other's attention. "We should get out of here, something's-"

"Is there something wrong, Hidan?" Blindingly bright and cheerful smiles. Oh Jashin, the smiles.

"N-Nothing! Fucking nothing!" Hidan yelled. Everything was wrong. The universe was broken or something, 'cause Itachi smiling should only happen when there were massacres, or family reunions, or brand new hair care products, but not... Jashin save him now.

"Hidan-chan? You don't mind if I call you Hidan-chan, do you? Please don't curse... The animals get upset," Itachi pleaded.

Hidan was about to tell Itachi how much he did mind, before he looked down to see five puppies, kittens, rabbits, and deer and butterflies and who knows what else staring at him with huge eyes. He ate these things for snacks, so why the bloody hell were they staring at him? They were kind of pitiful and cu-

Kakuzu ignored Hidan as he tried to kill himself. He looked at Deidara and Sasori's retreating backs, because apparently they had to clean up their cottage after giving them tea and snacks. Kakuzu doubted that Sasori had left the food in its naturally unpoisoned state, so he did not eat it. It did look appetizing, however... Perhaps he'd eat some after Hidan did.

"Oh Jashin, why have you forsaken me? I repent of all sins I have committed! Please, take me-"

"Shut up already, Hidan. You've tried committing suicide in the name of your bogus religion many times before, and you know it won't help. Now... Kisa-chan." Kakuzu spat out the last part as if it killed him inside to do so.

It probably did.

"Yes?" Another blindingly radiant smile, but unlike Itachi's, the teeth were sharp and pointy and dangerous looking...

"Leader was wondering why you and Itachi quit, and after he sent Sasori and Deidara to either kill you or retrieve you, they quit too."

"We just don't find killing things nice. It's very mean you know."

Kakuzu had to keep himself from strangling the two men sitting across from him. Pein would probably kill him for killing them, but it would make him feel so good...

"These cupcakes are utterly scrumptious! Who cooks them?"

Itachi gave a small, embarrassed smile. "I do. Would you like some more?"

"Yes, thank-"

Hidan froze, and then returned to attempting to off himself.

"Kisa-chan, Pein-sama is working for world peace. A few people are going to have to die to accomplish that." Kakuzu noted that the scones were indeed absolutely delicious, and he also noticed that calling Kisame 'Kisa-chan' wasn't as bad as he thought. Perhaps when they returned to base, he would continue to call Kisame 'Kisa-chan'.

"But... death is so sad!" Kisame-chan sobbed unexpectedly, tears welling up in his eyes.

"I know, Kisame-chan!" Itachi sobbed as well, a perfect tear falling from his right eye. "I feel so guilty about leaving my brother behind, and... It's all so _sad_!"

Kakuzu was feeling thoroughly awkward at this point, and Hidan was feeling some pity and-

This time, Hidan tried to cut off his own head, because stabbing one own's vital organs didn't seem to cut it.

"Stop that Hidan! You're getting blood all over. Now, I apologize for making you two cry, but please calm down..." Kakuzu extended a hand out hesitantly, patting them both on the hand. "So-"

Kisame-chan and Itachi-chan looked at each other, before giggling. "We'll forgive you if, and only if..."

"If?" Kakuzu was shocked at the sheer amount of patience he had today.

"If you let us give you two makeovers! Honestly, Hidan, you're so pretty, but all that blood dries out your skin and wrecks your cuticles. And Kakuzu, I'm sure you could be quite handsome if you took the time to do simple things like condition your hair."

Kakuzu disagreed seeing how he was practically stitched together, but he really needed Pein-sama not to kill him, and a makeover didn't seem life-threatening. Also, it was _free_, so... why not?

"Fine. Hidan, let's go."

"Sure- I mean, fucking hell no! What do you take me for, a pu-"

**-x-X-x-**

Pein twitched. Half of the Akatsuki, gone like that. Where the hell were they dawdling? They better not be planning to overthrow him, because mutiny was fucking unforgivable and he wasn't even the real leader so they should fucking have their mutiny planned for Madara.

Tobi skipped into the room, disrupting his musings. "Where the hell are most of the Akatsuki members?"

Ah, Madara was in a bad mood. Again. "I honestly can't tell you. I have received letters from _Moonshine Meadow_ and _Sunnyshine Fields_, but I assume they were jokes."

Tobi glared at Pein with his one eye. "You're fucking incompetent. Why I chose you as a puppet leader, I'll never fucking know. Go fetch them yourself, and bring Konan with you in case they decided to desert. Kill them if they have done so."

"Yes, Madara-sama."

"You better not fail me, or I will kill you."

"Yes, Madara-sama." Pein hated talking to Madara, he always ended up having to have to say 'Yes, Madara-sama', until the damn man shut up.

"You will go next week."

"Yes, Madara-sama."

"There is no failure within the Akatsuki."

"Yes, Madara-sama."

"Are you even fucking listening to me?"

"Yes, Madara-sama."

Madara's one visible eye stared at Pein for a few moments, before Tobi decided to flounce out of the room. Insubordination could be dealt with later.

**-x-X-x-**

Tobi stared at his empty base. Every fucking single Akatsuki member other then him had disappeared, and he had gotten more letters from _Tea Sunshine Meadow Garden _or whatever it was. What the hell was going on? Madara sighed, and resigned himself to finding out. "If you want something done, you gotta do it yourself..." Madara muttered irritably. He was fucking old, and they were making him search the continent for them. They were always making him cross the damn continent and do the work the lazy pansy asses should have done themselves. Asswipes, all of them.

**-x-X-x-**

Naruto stared in horror at the scene before him. Tall, bulky, muscular manly men were parading around in flowery dresses and high heels, with puppies and kittens close behind. He backed away slowly. This was the Akatsuki, it was probably some horrible ploy to catch him off guard or something. There was no other way that Deidara would plait Itachi's hair. Didn't Deidara hate Itachi? And the flower crowns were a disturbing touch to this horrible, horrible thing. Was that a... yes, it was. It was a pink pony. Where the hell did that pink pony come from? And why was it eating Kisame?

Wait a second, it wasn't eating Kisame, it was nuzzling him. How odd... Seriously though, this was disturbing as hell. The Akatsuki were obviously mentally damaged, but this was either a stroke of utter genius, or complete and outright stupidity. It would catch opponents off-guard, and then the Akatsuki could attack the enemy and decimate them. That had to be it, because there was no way that Kakuzu was calling Kisame "Kisa-chan" and Itachi "Chi-chan" willingly. No way at all. In fact, Naruto was sure that the pole Hidan was dancing around was his genjutsu'd scythe or something, and not actually a Maypole. Nope, no-sir-ee. And Zetsu wasn't wearing a rose crown and giggling as he seemingly gossiped with Konan. Lies, slander, and misinformation.

This was a genjutsu because this nightmare wasn't a dream, and while Naruto had a mega-awesome-tastic imagination, he would never think this... _thing_ up. Sadly, he slightly hoped it was his imagination, because if it wasn't, that meant that this was **real** and... Oh gods, Sasori and Deidara were now behind some bushes (thankfully) but there was some weird moaning sounds and rustling happening, and he was scarred mentally for life. If they didn't kill him right away, he was suing their asses for as much money as possible to pay for his therapist, and all the pills they would have to put him on to erase the mental scarring. This was worse than the time he found Gai and Lee doing... _things_, and that had taken him years to get over! YEARS! And that wasn't covering those awfully unfashionable green spandex suits they wore!

realized semi-consciously that he was rambling in his thoughts- and fainted in shock, landing with a large thud.

The former Akatsuki leader Madara skipped over to the fainted Naruto, before gasping. "Oh no! I found an unconscious boy, who I believe to be Naruto! I think he fainted from hunger or something!"

"Oh dear!" the other Akatsuki members spoke in unison.

"We should bring him to _Restful Gardens_, and help him recuperate."

"I agree! I'll set up a guest room in the cottage," Itachi said before standing up. "And I'll bring an extra dress, that boy is wearing such unfashionable clothes."

"I'll bring the nail polish!"

"I'll bring the therapeutic incense!"

**-x-X-x-**

**Original Word Count - 2,794**

**Date: July 11, 2010**

**Current Word Count – 2,861**

**Date Edited: December 21, 2010**


End file.
